Fat day? Passive aggressive family members? Debt the size of a small nation's annual GNP? You're in need of some answers.
DailyCandy A to Z has plenty of deep thoughts and frivolous tips on how to make peace with your vices, pinch pennies (or splurge shamelessly), and do unto others (or do your ex-boyfriend).
You'll laugh. (Hopefully.) You'll cry. (Okay, probably not.) But your life will definitely be sweeter because of it.
Families can make us nutty, but pretending they don't exist isn't an option. (Not a healthy one, anyway.) So in this chapter, we'll delve into the world of how to handle sibling rivalry, survive family reunions, and finally understand what the hell your mother is talking about.
- WHAT SHE SAYS: "You look happy!"
- WHAT SHE MEANS: "Get your ass on a diet, you fat tub of goo."
- WHAT SHE SAYS: "I can't find my diamond studs anywhere."
- WHAT SHE MEANS: "Give them back, you thieving ingrate."
- WHAT SHE SAYS: "Is that the new hairstyle in California?"
- WHAT SHE MEANS: "Did a leprous badger climb atop your head and die?"
Bad behavior gets remembered. Whether you're an occasional jaywalker, a compulsive gambler, a serial shopper, or a notorious parole-breaker, your life probably owes some of its delightful unpredictability and thrill to vice. While we certainly don't advocate kidnapping babies, shoplifting, homewrecking, flashing strangers, or poisoning your boss, we do urge you to do something risky once in a while, and to celebrate being a little bit of a badass.
- DRINK ORDER: - "Coppola named this vintage after me, you know."
- SHOE: Height-enhancing
- FOOD: Minimal
- WARDROBE: Ass-enhancing
- FUEL: Compliments
- ALIAS: Queen Drag, aka BacktoMe.org
- DRINK ORDER: "Whatever you're having, sailor."
- SHOE: Matches lipstick
- FOOD: Breakfast
- WARDROBE: Minimal
- FUEL: Orgasms
- ALIAS: Titty von Sluttenson, aka Empress Handjob
- DRINK ORDER: "Can you do the Guinness 'n' oyster cocktail with a Dom chaser?"
- SHOE: Not those damn balance-confounding, drink-spilling heels
- FOOD: Organ meat
- WARDROBE: Expansive and expandable
- FUEL: One more
- ALIAS: Little Oinker, aka That Crusty Old Drunk
Here at DailyCandy, we believe life is really just a series of humiliations strung together by the occasional uneventful meal or restless night's sleep. And though the price we've paid for such a lifestyle is high social anxiety, dashed dreams, crushed egos it's all been worth it, because it means we could bring you this chapter. So we present Yikes: our most embarrassing moments,* provided for your reading pleasure.
* Names have been omitted to protect the mortified.
AT A HUGE FAMILY DINNER with a boyfriend at a fancy resort, his father kept bringing me drinks during cocktail hour. As we finally sat down and they were bringing the salad, they placed mine in front of me and I passed out in the salad plate. Boyfriend carried me ("Like," his mother said, "the baby she is") back to the room with salad all over my face. We broke up soon after.
I ONCE HAD TO WALK into an investor meeting covered head-t0-toe in cement after having been spewed with the stuff by a malfunctioning cement truck. Unfortunately, while my plan had been to pop my head in, explain what had happened, and excuse myself, by the time I got through the first sentence the cement had hardened sufficiently that I couldn't move and had to be carried out.
WHEN I WAS IN FIFTH GRADE, my mom took me to see on of the stars of All My Children at some festival. She put me in line with all these old women and sat on the sidelines as I inched forward. When I got to the front and the actress pulled out a photo, she said something I couldn't quite make out. I assumed she asked me what I wanted her to write, so I answered, "Oh, I don't care." She looked at me and screamed, "WHAT? You don't care that my name is TA-KAY-SHA (or something like that)?!" Scared to death, I said nothing. She screamed that the event was over.
